A Very Potter Musical?
by Fem Hidan- Mitsu Dreyar
Summary: The Golden Trio, Dumbledore, Snape, Malfoy, Sirius, Remus, And the twins all end up at Hermione's house after she freaked out and started to watch A Very Potter Musical.
1. Chapter 1

A/N: I own nothing but I love this musical so much that I had to do this I hope everyone will enjoy!

What The Hell is This?

The Golden Trio were just sitting around at Hermione's House watching muggle TV when Hermione looked on youtube and freaked. "AHHHHH WHAT THE HELL?"

"Hermione what's wrong" Ron and Harry asked together. Hermione just jumped up and started to write a letter to Dumbledore. When about 30 minutes later he, Snape, Malfoy, the twins, Sirius, Ginny, and Remus stepped out of the fireplace.

"Ms. Granger I suppose you have a good reason for calling us here," Snape questioned

"Yes sir, it seems that I found this on youtube and though you all would like to know about this. It's better if I just show you." she clicked play

**A Very Potter Musical**

"What the hell!"

('harry' was sitting on a trunk)

**'Harry': Underneath these stairs **

**I hear the sneers and feel the glares of**

**my cousin, my uncle, and my aunt**

everyone turned to harry "What"

**Can't believe how cruel they are**

**and it stings my lightning scar**

**to know they'll never give me what I want**

Snape was thinking _cocky brat_

**I know I don't deserve these  
stupid rules made by the Dursleys  
here on Privet drive.  
Can't take all of these muggles,  
but despite all of my struggles,  
I'm still alive.**

**I'm sick of summer and this waiting around.  
Man, its September, and I'm skipping this town  
Hey It's no mystery, threes nothing here for me now  
(_He stands up.)_  
I gotta get back to Hogwarts; **

"Harry I had know idea you felt like that" Ron said while Sirius and Hermione agreed

**I gotta get back to school.  
Gotta get myself to Hogwarts,  
where everybody knows I'm cool  
Back to wizards and witches, and magical beasts,  
to goblins and ghosts and to magical feasts.  
It's all that I love, and it's all that I need.  
HOGWARTS, HOGWARTS, I think I'm going back  
I'll see my friends, gonna laugh 'til we cry  
take my Firebolt, gonna take to the sky  
NO WAY this year anyone's gonna die, and it's gonna be totally awesome  
I'll cast some spells, with a flick of my wand  
defeat the dark arts, yeah bring it on!  
And do it all with my best friend Ron, 'cause together we're totally awesome  
****Ron Weasley****:Yeah, and it's gonna be totally awesome! Did somebody say Ron Weasley?  
**_**They hug and ad lib greeting (i.e. hey man, what's up? How ya doing'?)**_**  
****Ron:****Hey, sorry it took me so long to get here. I had to go get some Floo Powder, but, uh, we gotta get going. Get your trunk and let's go!  
****Harry:**** Where're we going?  
****Ron****: To Diagon Alley, of course!  
****Harry****: Cool!  
****Ron****: C'mon! **

"you two are ridiculous"

"FOOD!" Ron and Sirius moaned together Remus and Hermione handed them something to eat. Snape was being a sour puss about the entire thing and Harry was just rolling his eyes.

**Harry & Ron: (while flapping arms) Floo Powder power! Floo Powder power!  
Ron:It's been so long, but we're going back  
don't go for work, don't go there for class  
Harry:As long as were together—  
Ron:- gonna kick some grass  
Harry & Ron:and it's gonna be totally awesome!  
This year we'll take everybody by storm,  
stay up all night, sneak out of our dorm  
_Hermione pops up behind them._  
Hermione Granger:but let's not forget that we need to perform well in class  
if we want to pass our OWLS!**

(They arrive in Diagon Alley, where people rush back and forth upstage.)  
**Ron****: Aw, Hermione, why do you have to be such a buzz kill?  
****Hermione****: Because, guys, school's not all about having fun. We need to study hard if we're gonna be good witches and wizards! Ugh!**

"I do not look like that"

**I may be frumpy, but I'm super smart  
check out my grades, they're "A's" for a start  
what I lack in looks well I make up in heart,  
and well guys, yeah, that's totally awesome **

**this year I plan to study a lot... **

" I'm not frumpy"

**Ron:That would be cool if you were actually hot!  
Harry:Hey Ron, come on, we're the only friends that she's got! **

Hermione glared at Harry and Ron

**Ron****:and that's cool...  
****Hermione****:and that's totally awesome!  
****Harry, Ron & Hermione****:Yeah it's so cool, and it's totally awesome!  
We're sick of summer and this waiting around!  
It's like we're sitting in the lost and found!  
Don't take no sorcery  
for anyone to see how...  
We gotta get back to Hogwarts.  
We gotta get back to school.  
We gotta get back to Hogwarts,  
where everything is magic-cooooool!  
Ensemble:Back to wizards and witches, and magical beasts  
to goblins and ghosts and to magical feasts  
it's all that I love, and it's all that I need at  
HOGWARTS, HOGWARTS  
****Harry, Ron & Hermione****:- I think we're going back...**

"Next Scene!" the twins and Sirius commanded.


	2. Chapter 2

A/N: I still own nothing and sadly never will so don't think it. Enjoy!

Act 1 scene 2

**Ginny Weasley: Ron! You were supposed to take me to Madame Malkin's and use those sickles Mom gave you for my robe fittings! **

" I don't act like that" Ginny was pissed

**Harry: Uh, who's this?  
Ron: Uh, this is stupid, little dumb sister Ginny. She's a freshman. Ginny, this is Harry. Harry Potter. It's Harry Potter.  
_Ginny and Harry shake hands._  
Ginny: Aw, you're Harry Potter! You're The Boy Who Lived!  
Harry: Yeah, and you're Ginny.  
Ginny: It's Ginevra. **

Ginny cringed at the use of her full name. Hermione felt bad for her.

**Harry****: Cool. Ginny's fine.****  
****Ron****: Stupid sister! (He claps in her face) Don't crowd the famous friend!****  
****Hermione****: Do you guys hear music or something?****  
****Harry****: Music? What are you talking about?****  
****Ron****: Yeah, someone's coming! Whoa!****  
**_**They notice three girls, an Asian one in the front, all dancing Japanese-like.**_**  
****Cho's Posse****:Cho Chang****  
****Domo arigato, Cho Chang****  
****Gung Hey Fat Choy, Chang****  
****Happy Happy New Year, Cho Chang****  
****Ginny****: Aw, who's that****  
****Harry****: That's Cho Chang.**  
**Ron****: Yeah, that's the girl Harry totally been in love with since freshman year.****  
****Hermione****: Yeah, but he won't say anything to her!****  
****Ron****: Well, yeah, you never tell a girl you like her. It makes you look like an idiot.**

All the guys except Snape and Dumbledore were nodding that it's true while Hermione and Ginny were rolling their eyes at guys being idiots

**_Ginny goes over and taps the Asian girl on the shoulder_.  
Ginny: (bows) Konnichiha, Cho Chang! It is good to meet you! My name is Ginny Weasley!  
Lavender Brown: Fish I ain't Cho Chang!  
Ron: That's Lavender Brown! (Claps in her face) Racist sister!  
Cho Chang: (with a Southern accent) Oh, it's alright! I'm Cho Chang, y'all.  
Harry: She is totally perfect!  
Ron: Yeah, too bad she's dating Cedric Diggory. **

All the people in the room bowed their heads in respected for Cedric.

**Harry: What? Who the Hell is Cedric Diggory?! What is that? Who is that guy?  
_Cedric comes between the four and sweeps his arms so they all fall down._  
Cedric Diggory:Oh, Cho Chang  
I am so in love with Cho Chang  
from Bangkok to Ding Dang  
I sing my love aloud for Cho Chang!  
_Cho, Cedric and Cho's Posse exit_.  
Harry: Uh! I hate that guy**

**RON: So are we gonna get those robes or not!**

**GINNY: Okay, alright! I'm going!**

**RON: God, sister!**

Fred and George snorted. Their younger siblings so acted like that.

**The four walked off stage, and someone walked on.**

**GOYLE : Present your arm nerd!**

Draco raised an eyebrow. Was that supposed to be Crabbe and Goyle?

**NEVILLE: B-bu-, w-what?**

**GOYLE: Indian burn, hex!**

**NEVILLE: GYAH!**

**RON: Oh, Crabbe and Goyle...**

Everyone snorted.

**GINNY: Oh, are you okay?**

**HARRY: Hey, why don't you just leave Neville Longbottom alone, huh?**

**GOYLE: Well, well, if it isn't Harry Potter! You think all because your famous, you can boss everyone around.**

Severus snorted. That was the truest statement known to man.

**HARRY: No, I just don't think it's cool for guys your size to be picking on guys like Neville, come on.**

**GOYLE: Oh, well, you know what I think? I think, glasses are for nerds! CRUSH! We hate nerds!**

**CRABBE: And girls!**

"That explains so much."

**RON: Well, you asked for it! You don't mess with Harry Potter! He defeated the Dark Lord when he was a baby!**

The twins laughed as 'Ron' practically hid behind 'Hermione'.

**HERMIONE: All right, everyone just calm down. Occulus reparo!**

**HARRY: Woah, cool!**

"Need to remember that spell..." Harry mutttered.

**HERMIONE: Now let's leave these big baby childish jerks alone.**

"Nice one, Hermione."

"Thank you."

**DRACO: Did someone say Draco Malfoy?**

Everyone besides Draco and Severus were laughing so hard that tears were coming out of their eyes. Draco was being played by a girl! Severus' mouth was twitching slightly though.

Draco was freaking out he was not a girl.

**Harry: What do you want, Draco?_  
_Malfoy: Crab, Goyle, be a dear and go pay for my robes, will you? So, Potter, back for another year at Hogwarts, are you? Maybe this year you'll wise up and hang out with a higher caliber of wizards.**

Everyone bursted out in laughter again this time it was at the pose that 'Draco' did.

**Harry: Hey, listen, Malfoy, (puts his arms around Ron and Hermione) Ron and Hermione are my best friends in the whole world. I wouldn't trade them for anything.  
_During Harry's lines, Ginny tries to put her arm around Ron but is pushed off._  
Malfoy: Have it your way. (He notices Ginny) Wait. Don't tell me. Red hair, hand-me-down clothes and a stupid complexion? You must be a Weasley.  
Ron: Oh my god lay off Malfoy. She may be a pain in the rear end, but she's my pain in the rear end.**

"didn't know you cared Ron"

Ron blushed and the twins fell on the floor laughing.

**Malfoy: Well, isn't this cute! It's like a little loser family. Hogwarts has really gone the dogs. Luckily next year I'll be transferred to Pigfarts! **

"What's Pigfarts" Sirius asked Draco

"How should I know"

**This year you bet, gonna get outta here  
the reign of Malfoy is drawing near  
Ill have the greatest wizard career,  
and its gonna be totally awesome  
Look out world, for the dawn of the day  
When everyone will do whatever I say  
And that Potter won't be in my way, and then  
I'll be the one who is totally awesome!  
****Goyle****:Yeah you'll be the one who is totally awesome.  
****Hermione****: C'mon, guys, we're gonna miss the train!  
**_**The entire cast gets into three lines.**_**  
****Ensemble****:Who knows how fast this year's gonna go?  
Hand me a glass, let the butterbeer flow  
At this point the cast starts to make train motions that gradually speed up.  
****Harry****:Maybe at last, I'm gonna talk to Cho!  
****Ron****:Oh no, that be WAY too awesome!  
****Ensemble****:Were back to learn everything that we can  
it's great to come back to where we began  
and here we are (they lurch forward as if the train has just stopped),  
and alakazam! (they jump into the air)! Here we go, this is totally awesome!  
Come on and teach us everything you know  
the summers over and were itchin' to go  
I think we're ready for  
****Neville Longbottom****: Albus Dumbledore!  
****Ensemble****:Oooooo Ahhhhhh.  
**_**Cast pulls two benches to either side of the stage. Albus Dumbledore enters.**_**  
Professor ****Albus Dumbledore****:Welcome, all of you to Hogwarts.  
I welcome back you all to school. ****Did you know that here at Hogwarts****  
****we've got a hidden swimming pool?**

"We do?" the twins, Sirius, Harry, Ron, Draco, and Snape asked Dumbledore

"Not to my knowledge" all their spirits were crushed

**Welcome, welcome, welcome Hogwarts  
Welcome, all you hotties, nerds, and tools  
Now that I've got you here at Hogwarts  
I'd like to go over just a couple of rules:  
My name is Albus Dumbledore and I am Headmaster of Hogwarts. You can all call me Dumbledore. Suppose you could also call me Albus-if you wanted detention. I'm just kidding. I'll expel you if you call me Albus.**

"Is that true sir" Harry asked. Dumbledore just had a gleam in his eyes that frightened everyone in the room.

**Ensemble:Back to wizards and witches, and magical beasts  
to goblins and ghosts and to magical feasts  
it's all that I love, and all that I need.  
At HOGWARTS, HOGWARTS  
Back to spells and enchantments, potions and friends  
To Gryffindors! **

The Gryffindors cheered.

**Hufflepuffs!  
Ravenclaws!  
Slytherins! **

Draco cheer in a low voice.

**Back to the place where our story begins  
it's Hogwarts, Hogwarts,  
Dumbledore: I'm sorry, what's its name?  
Ensemble:Hogwarts, Hogwarts  
Dumbledore: I didn't hear you kids!  
Ensemble:Hogwarts, Hogwarts  
Harry: Man, I'm glad I'm back.  
**

"Next" the boys demanded.


	3. Chapter 3

A/N: I own nothing. I'll try to update a soon a possible I might get busy so enjoy!

Act 1 Scene 3

******Dumbledore****: Welcome to another magical year at Hogwarts! And a very special welcome to my favorite student, Mr. Harry Potter. He killed Voldemort when he was just a baby. He's even got that little lightning scar on his forehead to prove it. And another very special welcome to our newest addition to Gryffindor, Mr. Ginny -'scuse me- Ms. Ginny Weasley.****  
****Ginny****: (stands up) Um, yeah, I'm a girl, and, um, also, aren't we supposed to be sorted by the Sorting Hat? (Sits down)****  
****Dumbledore****: Uh, a funny thing happened to the Sorting Hat. He actually got hitched with another piece of enchanted magical clothing. So he and the scarf of sexual prefrence won't be back till next year. Basically I've just been putting anyone who looks like a good guy into Gryffindor, anyone who looks like a bad guy into Slytherin and the other two can just go wherever the hell they want, I don't really care.  
****Cedric****: (stands up) Hufflepuff are particularly good finders! **

"What the hell is a Hufflepuff"

**Dumbledore: What the HECK is a Hufflepuff?  
_Cedric smiles awkwardly for a moment then sits down._  
Dumbledore:Anyways, it is time now for me to introduce my very good friend and our own Potions professor, Mr. Severus Snape.  
Ron: Aw, Snape? I'd hoped they'd fired that guy!  
Ginny: What's wrong with Professor Snape?  
Ron: Uh, nothing, he's just, uh, evil!**

"Mr. Weasley I suggest you keep your comments to your self"

"It wasn't even me"

"10 points from Gryffindor"

"Severus you can't take point during summer"

**Harry: C'mon, Ron, he's really not that bad. I mean-  
Professor Severus Snape: Harry Potter! Detention!  
Harry: (Stands up) What?  
Snape: For talking out of turn!  
_Harry sits back down._  
Snape: Now, before we begin, I'm going to give you all your very, very first pop quiz.  
_Everybody groans, except for Hermione, who cheers._  
Hermione: Yes!  
Snape: Can anyone tell me what a portkey is?  
Hermione: Oo! (She raises her hand)  
Snape: Yes, Ms. Granger.  
Hermione: A portkey is an enchanted object that when touched will transport the one or ones who touch it to anywhere on the globe decided upon by the enchanter.  
Snape: Very good! Now can anyone tell me what foreshadowing is?  
_Hermione raises her hand again. _**

**Snape: Yes, Ms. Granger.  
Hermione: Foreshadowing is a dramatic device in which an important plot point is mentioned earlier in the story to return later in a more significant way.  
Snape: Perfect!  
Ron: What's a portkey again? I missed that one.  
Hermione: A portkey is something that when you touch it it'll transport you anywhere.  
Ron: (Over Hermione) Not you! Ah, never mind.  
Snape: And remember, a portkey can be any sort of seemingly harmless object, like, a football, or a dolphin! **

Everyone was falling on the floor laughing except Snape and Dumbledore.

**Lavender****: Professor?  
****Snape****: Yes?  
****Lavender****: Can, like, a person be a portkey?  
****Snape****: No, that's absurd. 'Cause then if that person we're to touch themselves, (looks meaningfully at Ron) **

Snape was feeling accomplished

**they would constantly be transported into different places. A person can, however, be a horcrux.**

Snape, Dumbledore, and Sirius coughed

"What's a Horcrux" Harry asked

**Harry: What's a- What's a horcrux? **

"Hey I just asked that"

"You'll find out soon enough"

**Snape: I'm not even going to tell you Harry, you'll find out soon enough. **

The adults all look at each other with worried faces.

**Hermione: Professor, what is the point of this quiz?  
Snape: Oh, no, no point in particular. Just important information that everyone should know. (he points into the audience) Especially you! Now, moving right along, there are four houses in all. Gryffindor (there're cheers from stage right), Ravenclaw (a few cheers from stage left), Hufflepuff-  
Cedric: Find!  
Snape: What? And Slytherin (Goyle does a snake movement with his arms while the other Slytherins hiss). Traditionally points are given for good behavior and deducted for rule breaking. For example, ten points from Gryffindor! (Confused mutterings for stage right) For Ms. Granger's excessive baby fat. **

"Thanks Hermione"

**Harry & Ron: Thanks, Hermione!  
Snape: Traditionally, the house with the most points at the end of the year would win the House Cup. However, this year we're doing things a bit differently. Here to introduce it is our new Dark Arts Professor, Professor Quirrell. **

**Quirrell**: (with a slight stutter) The House Cup. A time honored tradition. For centuries-  
Malfoy: Go home, terrorist! 

"Nice one Malfoy"

**Quirrell: For centuries, the houses of Hogwarts have competed for the honor and glory of holding the title of House Champion. But where does this competition come from, and what are the roots of the tradition?  
_Hermione raises her hand and speaks quickly. _  
Hermione: The House Cup Tournament began with the first generation of Hogwarts students.**

**Quirrell: That was a rhetorical question.**

**Dumbledore: Granger, quit interrupting. Twenty points from Gryffindor.  
Harry & Ron: Thanks, Hermione!  
Quirrell: As I was saying, when the Tournament first originated it was one of a completely different sort. One champion from each of the four houses would compete in a series of dangerous tasks. The winner would not only win the Cup, they would also win eternal glory.  
Hermione: Kind of like the Twiwizard Tournament!  
Quirrell: Yes, sort of like the Triwizard tounament, except no, not like that at all. There are four houses. How could it be the Triwizard Tournament with four teams?  
Hermione: Well, Professor, if I remember correctly, the House Cup Tournament was disbanded after one semester when one student was killed during the first task.  
Quirrell: Yes, it is very dangerous, but the rewards far outweigh the risks.  
Hermione: I don't think you heard me! I just said somebody died!  
Dumbledore: Hermione Granger, shut your ungodly lopsided mouth and quit interrupting! Twenty more points!  
Harry & Ron: Thanks, Hermione!  
Dumbledore: God! For the cleverest witch of your age you really can be stupid sometimes. (Other students laugh at her) Ten points to Dumbledore! **

"Ms. Granger I would never do that to you"

**Quirrell****: Yes, well, it will be very dangerous, but the winner will be remembered as a hero for ages to come. And, as the Professor of Defense against the Dark Arts, I believe that this practical application is exactly what the curriculum needs to-  
**_**Voldemort sneezes under Quirrell's turban.**_**  
****Dumbledore****: Professor, did your turban just sneeze?  
****Quirrell****: What? No. (he starts to back off stage right)  
****Dumbledore****: I could have sworn I just heard a sneeze coming from your direction, but your mouth wasn't moving.  
****Quirrell****: No, no, that was simply a fart. I must be going. (Voldemort continues to sneeze, and Harry's scar starts to hurt again as Quirrellmort gets near him.) I simply farted once more.  
**_**Quirrellmort exits.**_**  
****Dumbledore****: Now, with the newly resurrected House Cup, a champion from each of the four houses will be selected to compete! So, Snape, would you do us the honors, please?  
**_**Snape come on with The Cup.**_**  
****Snape****: Yes, Headmaster. First from the Ravenclaw house (he pulls out a piece of paper), Ms. Cho Chang,  
****Cho****: Oh my god I've won! I can't believe they called me!  
****Snape****: Next, from Hufflepuff, (pulls out another) Mr. Cedric Diggory.  
****Cedric****: (stands up) Well, I don't FIND this surprising at all!  
****Cho****: Perfect! Now I get to spend more time with my beloved boyfriend.  
****Snape****: Next, from the Slytherin house, (pull out another) Draco Malfoy!  
****Malfoy****: (stands up) Ha! Oh, I finally beat you, didn't I, Potter! (he struts over to Harry) What do you think of that, huh? (he tries to reach over to get in Harry's face but ends up collapsing onto the first row of Gryffindors and falling on the floor) I'm the champion this time!  
****Dumbledore****: Draco, will you sit down, you little shit! Champion's just a title.**

**Snape: And finally, from the Gryffindor house, (pulls out a paper) oh my! Well, isn't this curious! The one person in all of Hogwarts whom I bear no grudge against is suddenly in a tournament where he may very well lose his life.  
Neville: (stands up) It's me. I'd like to apologize right now to my fellow Gryffindors right now for losing-  
Snape: Sit down, you inarticulate bumble! It's Harry Potter!  
Dumbledore: Well, here you are, folks, the four Hogwarts champions. Now, I want all of you to start preparing immediately, because the first task is in two months and it could be anything. So let's get to it!**


	4. Chapter 4

A/N: I own NOTHING. Enjoy!

Act 1 Scene 4

Harry: I don't know**, man. Cedric Diggory. He's pretty awesome. NOT! He sucks! I'm totally gonna win!****  
**_**Harry and Ron high-five.**_**  
****Hermione****: I don't know, Harry…****  
****Ron****: Oh my god, Hermione. Keep Shut. Why do you have to rain on everybody's parade?****  
****Hermione****: Because, Ron, this is dangerous!****  
****Harry****: Dangerous? Come one, Hermione, how dangerous can it be? Especially for me.****  
****Hermione****: You're not invincible, Harry. Someone DIED in this tournament.****  
****Harry****: Uh, I'm the Boy that LIVED, not DIED. What's the worst that could happen?****  
****Hermione****: And I don't know about that Quirrell character****  
****Harry****: Come on, think about it. Professor Quirrell is a professor, and who hires professors?****  
****Harry & Ron:****Dumbledore.****  
****Harry****: ...who's the smartest, most awesome, practical, most beautiful wizard in the whole school. Why would he possibly hire someone who's trying to hurt me? You know what Hermione, just forget about all of that okay? Let it go.****  
****Ron****:I'll sabotage all the other champions so you win by default.****  
****Hermione****: Alright… I guess I can check out the whole library on notes.****  
****Harry****: Alright. You guys are awesome.****  
**_**Malfoy, Crab, and Goyle enter. Goyle is carrying Malfoy.**_**  
****Malfoy****: Well. Isn't this touching  
****Ron****: Oh my God just butt out, Malfoy.  
**_**Goyle tries to put Malfoy down but Malfoy falls onto the floor. He will continue to roll around on the  
floor for awhile to make it seem like he did this on purpose.**_**  
****Malfoy****: Goyle and I have a bet, you know. He says you won't last five minutes in this tournament. I  
disagree. I say you wouldn't last five minutes at Pigfarts!**

"What the Hell is Pigfarts?"

**Harry: What? Alright, Malfoy, what is Pigfarts?  
Malfoy: Oh! Never heard of it? Ha! Figures. Famous Potter doesn't even know about Pigfarts!  
Harry: Malfoy, don't act like you don't want to talk about it. This is like the ninth time you've mentioned Pigfarts. What is Pigfarts?  
_Malfoy is standing by now._  
Malfoy: Pigfarts is only the greatest wizarding school in the galaxy. It's where I'm being transferred next year.  
Hermione: Malfoy, I've never heard of that.  
Malfoy: That's because Pigfarts… is on Mars!  
Harry: Alright, you know what? We're trying to have a conversation here so if you could just leave us  
alone-  
Malfoy: Oh, no. I'm not even here.  
Harry: (in a hushed tone) Okay, so, I think we can find out what the first task is if we ask Dumbledore-  
Malfoy: Dumbledore? Pff! What an old coot! He's nothing like Rumbleroar!  
Goyle: RUMBLEROAR!  
Harry: Anyways, as I was saying-  
Malfoy: Rumbleroar's the headmaster at Pigfarts. He's a lion, who can talk.  
Harry: Malfoy, if you don't mind, we're trying to have a conversation here so- wait what are you even  
doing here? Get outta here.**

**Malfoy: I can't help it if we can hear everything you say. We're the only ones in here.  
Harry: Come on, Malfoy; just get out of here, please?  
Malfoy: Where are we supposed to go?  
Harry: Uh, I don't know, uh, Pigfarts.**

Malfoy: Oh ha. Oh, now you're just being cute. I can't go to Pigfarts. IT'S ON MARS. You need a rocket  
ship. (Struts over to Harry) Do you have a rocket ship, Potter? I bet you do. (He crawls between where  
Harry and Ron are sitting and falls to the floor again) You know not all of us inherited enough money to buy out NASA when our parents died! Look at this! Look at this! It's Rocketship Potter. Starkid Potter. Moonshoes Potter. Traversing the galaxy for intergalactic travels to Pigfarts! (He gets up)  


**Harry: Alright, that's it. This is the most misguided way to try and make me feel jealous. I don't care if  
you make fun of me, (he gets up towards Malfoy) but if you bring my parents into this it's a whole other  
story.  
Malfoy: (runs and hides behind stage left bench) Whoa! Not so fast, Potter! Oh crap! Goyle!  
_Goyle advances on Harry, arms raised. Harry and Ron cower around the bench while Hermione remains standing._  
Goyle: BACK OFF, NERD!  
Malfoy: (hanging off the bottom of the bench) Not so tough are you now, Potter! Maybe you should  
hang out with someone better than that lollygagging ginger and his stupid mudblood girlfriend!  
Hermione: Oh, that is it, Malfoy! (She makes a motion with her wand) Jelly-legs jinx!  
Malfoy: Oh, come on!  
Goyle: Hey, no fair! Our legs are jelly!  
_Hermione runs over and grabs Malfoy by the necktie while Crab and Goyle fall on their backs with their legs wobbling._  
Hermione: Now, take it back, Malfoy!  
Malfoy: Take what back?  
Hermione: Take back what you said about your stupid made-up space school!  
Ron: And all that stuff about Hermione being my girlfriend. That's not even a little bit true.  
Hermione: And say you're sorry for calling me a 'you-know-what'!  
Malfoy: Alright! I'm sorry!  
Hermione: And you promise you'll never do it again?  
Malfoy: I promise!  
Hermione: Alright! (She drops him) Now next time we tell you to leave us alone you better do it! Come on, Harry. Ron. Let's get out of here.  
Harry: Wow. Thanks, Hermione.  
Hermione: Yeah (she points at Crab and Goyle with her wand) Unjellyfy!  
_The jinx on Crab and Goyle is broken. Harry, Ron and Hermione leave. _**

**Ron: (As they walk off) Wow. That was like the most _badas_s thing I've ever seen! Too bad no one was  
here to see it though. It was like an outburst of pent up aggression you were just like 'Arrr! I'm gonna….  
Crab and Goyle get up.  
Goyle: Wow. That sucked royal hippogriff! We got beat by a girl! Who is a nerd!  
Malfoy: I meant what I said you know. Pigfarts is real. (He puts his hand to his nose to check for blood)  
Am I- Am I bleeding? Goyle.  
Goyle runs over close to Malfoy's face.  
Goyle: *Sniffs* No. (He gets up)  
Malfoy: (quietly) I thought maybe... maybe just a little bit… (Normally) Wow. I've never been pushed  
down like that by a girl… Maybe I shouldn't call her a mud-… whatever. (He gets up)**

Goyle: (to Crab) I can't believe I couldn't figure out the counter-curse was just unjellyfy!  
Crab shakes his head in disapproval.  
Malfoy: Right. Well, I'm not surprised. Come on. Let's go watch Wizards of Waverly Place! 

"Whats wizards of Waverly place?"

everyone shrugged

**Quirrell:(talking to the audience) Fools! They're all fools. They think they're safe. They think they're back for another fun year of learning shenanigans at Hogwarts. Little do they know the danger that's lurking right under their noses. Or, should I say, on the back of their heads…**

**_Quirrell rotates to put his back to the audience. He pulls off the turban to reveal Voldemort, who laughs evilly, then coughs. Quirrell puts his turban on the chair. _  
Voldemort: Ugh! I can't breathe in that damn turban!  
Quirrell: I'm sorry my Lord. It's a necessary precaution. For if they knew that you lived- that when Harry Potter destroyed you, your soul lived on-  
Voldemort:Yes! That when my body was destroyed I was forced to live in the Forbidden Forest, eating bugs, and mushrooms, and, ugh! Unicorn blood!  
Quirrell:Until I found you and let you attach yourself to my soul.  
Voldemort:Yes. Nobody must know any of that. Now, Quirrell! Get me some water!  
_Quirrell bends over and grabs a bottle of water._  
Voldemort: Now Quirrell! Pour it in my mouth!**

"Ron get me some water" Fred commanded

"No"

**Quirrell:Your plan to infiltrate Hogwarts on the back of my head is going swimmingly, my liege!  
Voldemort:Yes, yes, I'm done with the water! We must not have any more foul-ups like tonight in the Great Hall!  
Quirrell: I'm sorry, my Lord, you sneezed!  
Voldemort:I know that... Get me some Nasonex, you swine!  
_Quirrell shoots some Nasonex into Voldemort's nose, then some into his own. _  
Voldemort:Wash that turban! It tickles my nose.  
Quirrell:Yes my Dark King-  
Voldemort: Okay, just... relax with the Dark Kings, ok? I watch you wipe your butt daily. You can call me Voldemort. We're there. We've reached that point. **

Everyone was laughing even Snape.

**Quirrell:Yes, yes, my… Voldemort.  
Voldemort:Mmm. Now, Quirrell… Get us ready for bed.  
_Quirrell begins getting ready for bed._  
Voldemort:We must be well rested if we wish to kill Potter. Tonight, in the Great Hall, he was so close! I could have touched him!  
_Quirrell uses some mouthwash._  
Voldemort:Revenge is at my fingertips, Quirrell. I can taste it! It tastes like… cool mint.  
Quirrell: That's our Listerine, Voldemort.  
Voldemort: Yes. Excellent. (They walk over to the block-bench) Well, goodnight Quirrell.  
_Quirrell bends backwards, and Voldemort leans forward so they are laying down on the block-bench._  
Voldemort: (pause) Okay, okay, I can't do this. You've got to roll over. I can't sleep on my tummy.  
Quirrell: I'm sorry, but I always sleep on my back! I have back problems. It's the only way I'm comfortable.  
Voldemort: You roll over right now or I'll… I'LL EAT YOU PILLOW! (Quirrell begins to roll over) You'll be having a dream you're eating a giant marshmallow, but really you'll wake up and find your favorite goose feather pillow is missing!  
Quirrell: Fine! We'll compromise. We'll sleep on our sides.  
Voldemort: Ok. I guess I can do this.  
Quirrell: Now, goodnight!  
Voldemort: Goodnight, Quirrell. (pause) Hey, Quirrell. How long has those robes been on that chair?  
Quirrell: I think they're from last night. I just put them there for now.  
Voldemort: Well are you planning on putting them in a hamper? What's your plan for these?  
Quirrell: I figured I'd just leave them there for now and put them away in the morning,okay?  
Voldemort: A- No! No, that's not okay! I can't go to sleep knowing that there are dirty clothes on that chair! The chair's is going to start smelling like dirty clothes!  
Quirrell: I promise I'll put them away in the morning!  
Voldemort: You put them away RIGHT NOW! I command you to get up and… fold them, at least! Make it into a neat pile!  
_They both sit up._  
Quirrell: Listen, if we're going to be in this situation for a while, we're going to have tolearn to live with each other. Now, I've been single for all of my life, and I have somehabits, and sometimes I leave dirty laundry around!  
Voldemort: Well I believe everything has its place! Muggles have their place, mudbloodshave their place, and so do your clothes! Namely, a dresser!  
_They stand up._**

Quirrell: Well, aren't we an odd couple?You won't sleep on your tummy,  
Voldemort: You won't sleep on your back,  
Voldemort & Quirrell:We're quite a kooky couple you'll agree.  
Quirrell: We share some hands and fingers,  
Voldemort: and yet the feeling lingers.  
Voldemort & Quirrell: We're just about as different as anyone could be!  
Voldemort: You like plotting a garden, and I like plotting to kill.  
Quirrell : you think that you should rule the world, I think books are a thrill!  
Sipping tea by the fires swell  
Voldemort: Pushing people in is fun as well  
I like folding all my ties  
Quirrell: And you have no friends, hey that's a surprise  
Voldemort & Quirrell:guess it's plain to see  
when you look at you and me  
were different  
different  
as can be  
_Quirrell goes over to fold the robes._  
Voldemort: You're a sissy, a twat a girl! I'm the darkest of lords! 

"That's not something to be proud of"

**Quirrell: I'm the brightest professor here, I've won several awards! **

Snape Snorted

**Voldemort: My new world is about to unfold  
Quirrell: You got beat by a two year old  
Voldemort: I'll kill him this time, through and through  
Quirrell: Or you might just give him another tattoo**

"It's not a tattoo"

**Voldemort & Quirrell: You really must agree  
when you look at you and me  
were different, different  
as can-  
**_**Voldemort faces the audience as Quirrell make menacing arm motions. **_**  
Voldemort: I'll rise again and Ill rule the world,  
But you must help me renew.  
For when our plan succeeds-  
Quirrell: Prevails!  
Voldemort: part of that world goes to you.  
**_**They continue their rotating.**_**  
Quirrell: When I rule the world I'll plant flowers.  
Voldemort :When I rule the world I'll have… snakes! And goblins, and werewolves, and  
giants, and thestrals, a fleet of dementors, and all my Death Eaters!  
Quirrell: (at the same time)And Jane Austin novels!  
Voldemort & Quirrell:When I rule the world! Hahahaha!**


End file.
